I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
