Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
