put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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