I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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