CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
