We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
