i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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