If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
