I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
