i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
