I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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