I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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