I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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