had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
