So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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