I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
