There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
