A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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