does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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