The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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