His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
