help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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