he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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