i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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