dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
