All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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