I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
