my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
