smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
