I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
