You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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