did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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