I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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