My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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