sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
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