Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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