sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
