is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
