i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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