Plan B is the new Plan A
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
