Moan for me like Helen Keller
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
