Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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