Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
