She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
