he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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