don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
