I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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