I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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