The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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