He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
