im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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