My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
